Friday, 11 May 2012

Rambling Ups and Downs

Life as a bipolar person with rapid cycling and mixed episodes can be crazy at times.  I don't know from one minute to the next what my mood is going to be; from giddy and jumping around, full of energy, to contemplating the end of all things and not having the will to go on with every painful second leaving me gasping for breath.  I know, I know, that sounds so dramatic but seriously, that is exactly what it feels like.  When my moods change they are that extreme and I am swept up in the moment, unable to find stable emotional ground on which to rest, flung by the waves of mania or drowning in a sea of melancholy with no chance to rest in "normality".  This is my every day and has been for the last 24 years.

On Wednesday I awoke to find a weight on my chest and my mood heavy, despite this being one of my "high" times of year.  Not a surprise as I am generally lower most mornings when I wake.  I knew I would perk up later in the day as I was meeting a very very dear friend for coffee at lunchtime and the effort I have to put in to being "normal" usually drags me out of whatever funk I am in for a short time. 

It's very tiring though, being something you are not.  I do it all day every day at work, sometimes I do it at home with the Other Half if I think it is necessary to shield him from how bad I truly am feeling, and I do it all the time when I am with other people.  Everyone, not just those I care about.  I spend every day pretending to be something I am not.  Pretending to be happy when I am crying inside, pretending to be calm when I feel like jumping buildings and running around like a child, pretending like nothing matters when I am bubbling with manic anger inside.

I get very tired of it all sometimes but then I wonder what my life would have been like had I not had the ability to pretend to the world that I am stable, to pretend to myself that I am in control and able to function like everyone else.  I probably would have been hospitalised by now, maybe more than once, but if I had, then the bipolar may have been picked up on sooner and I might have gotten the help I needed sooner.  So many things could have been different had I known there was something wrong that could be fixed and not had to struggle for so many years.  But then I probably wouldn't have the life I have now and I'm kind of enjoying myself at the moment!

I could drive myself truly insane thinking about all the variables, the ifs and buts, the whys and wherefores!

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